We open on a digitally aged-down Sophia Loren, playing Vincenza, a very beautiful woman. She is a single mother in her early 40s in the 1970’s. She has two small children, a boy and girl and she lives a very hardscrabble life as a baker’s apprentice in a small village in the Tuscan province of Italy. She barely makes enough money to survive. That is until she meets Donnatella DeDonnalo, The Tuscan Milf. Donnatella tells Vincenza, that she could live a much different life if she’d like to. Donnatella is getting too old to continue on as the Milf of Tuscany, to which Vincenza asks “what is the milf of tuscany?” Donnatella tells her, “you have NO idea.” We cut to a title card.
(We cut to 40 years later)
We fade in to see a house in suburban San Francisco in utter disarray. Her Kids are yelling all over the house and we hear a mom telling her kids, to just give her a break. It’s clear this is a harried woman. Marie, played by Amy Adams is a single mother who is the creator of an app that is basically uber for having people come to clean your house. For the sake of this story, lets call that app, CleanR. Anyway, she’s super stressed out because on top of her kids running her ragged, and her ex-husband, played by Dermot Mulrooney, being a big old dick about spending time with his kids and helping her out, the board of CleanR is actively trying to oust her. They are all men. So as she’s cleaning her own house, she sees a postcard on the coffee table. It’s from her mother. They haven’t spoken in years, so she scoffs and tosses the postcard in the garbage. Meegan, Marie’s oldest daughter, played by Bella Thorne, asks her mom why she still hasn’t met her grandmother. Marie exclaims “because she’s a fucking MILF okay!?!?! The Tuscan Milf.” Meegan asks if they can go see her, but Marie says no.
The next couple scenes are basically about how the board of directors of CleanR have decided Marie’s no longer fit to be the CEO of her app and she has a meltdown. Jon Voight takes her place and says “a woman’s place is in the kitchen, not the boardroom” The other men laugh as they smoke their cigars and drink their port wine. She comes home defeated and pissed off and ready to drown her sorrows in wine. That’s when she gets a call from Chet, her ex, saying that Noah, her middle son, broke his arm. When she gets to Chet’s trailer, Meegan admonishes Marie, saying that she’s always messing things up for them or whatever. Marie asks if she can have a break for just one day. Noah, asks her if they can finally meet their grandmother and Meegan agrees saying that it’s not like Marie’s got work to worry about anymore. Marie eventually relents, and writes her mom that she is coming with the kids.
Once Marie and her two kids land in Italy, they are greeted by a limo driver, who says, “You look just like her!” Meegan, like an idiot asks who Marie looks like, and Marie replies, “the Milf”. They eventually get to Vincenza’s villa, an appropriately aged, but REALLY hot Sophia Loren comes downstairs to meet her daughter and grandchildren. She receives an icy hello from Marie, but her grandkids immediately warm up to her. Meegan says “you never told us grandma was such a fox!” They tour the villa and the surrounding area with Vincenza and it’s apparent that she pretty much runs the town. Everyone loves her. Marie tells her kids, that everyone might love Vincenza, but she was never there for her. Vincenza, asks Marie “when will you stop, how do you say…hating me! I’vea trieda to bea gooda motha to you, and all I get is gravy face froma you” Noah tugs Vincenza’s skirt and says, what’s a milf? Vincenza begins to explain what the Milf of Tuscany is.
(flashback scene here)
Basically we see how Vincenza was chosen to be the Milf of Tuscany. Because she was the most beautiful and caring woman in all of Tuscany, she became what is ostensibly a queen. She is the most powerful woman in all of tuscany and unless you prove “milfier” than she, the Tuscan Milf has absolute power. She also has access to like 70 male concubines. Marie’s ears perk up because she never knew about the clause that the Milf of Tuscany can be challenged by other milfs. Marie asks “Is that why you sent me away? For your pride?!?!” Vincenza says no. She says “I senta youa away because you weren’t ready!” Marie says “ready for what? To be a queen? To run a village? I ran a TechCrunch 500 business, and you’re telling me I wasn’t ready to be some milf?” Vincenza says no. She says “itsa not until you losea your pride that you are ready to be the milf I always knewa you coulda be” Meegan and Noah say “listen to grandma!”
Vincenza lets on that her 40 year run of being Tuscany’s Milf Du Jour is running out and the only person who can take on all the responsibilities of the tuscan province in addition to having her sexual urges assauged is Marie. It is time for her to be the milf she knows she always could be. A bunch of cutscenes and montages later, we see that all the men in italy are dying for a night with Marie. Even her italian accent starts to become more prevalent. Noah and Meegan gradually see their mom as the truly independent woman. Eventually Marie takes a liking to an italian man named Tony DiPepperoni, played by Justin Theroux. He tells her that he’ll do anything for her as long as she helps him to get his small business off the ground. He is a single father. This piques Marie’s interest, Vincenza watching dutifully nods at Marie and says “do it” We cut to a highly erotic scene where Marie and Tony do it together, and Vincenza watches along proud. She says “my work here is done” Vincenza walks off into the distance to the beach. We never see Vincenza again.
Two years later.
Marie sits on her mothers former throne with a bunch of her male concubines, and Tony standing next to her. She says “who is next?” For some reason, Jon Voight’s character comes back saying that he needs her help, and that CleanR is going under and the only one who can help him is Marie. Marie looks at Meegan, who is now starting to get super hot, but not quite, milf hot and says, “watch this.” She says “Be gone!” and all of her concubines grab Jon Voight, and throw him out of the villa, much like how Uncle Phil threw Jazz out of the house. Marie says, “now that all the business is over, lets retire to my chamber” Marie goes to her giant bed, and tony, and a few concubines go with her. She says to Meegan “you’re going to want to see this” Noah asks Marie, “what will I ever get to be?” Marie says, “have I ever told you about the Dilf of Florence?
The End.