Hi Friends! As I’m sure you heard this Friday marks the 52nd Fake Movie Friday, thus completing one year. I’m going to take a day from each week to celebrate this year. First up is Peter! You know, me. Let’s take a look. This is your chance to read through some old ones and pretend you were there the whole time.
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So I was wrong, this is only #51 so next week marks one year of Fake Movie Fridays. This title comes from Brian Fitzpatrick, a simple man if not bland gentleman. Well at least I think this is what he said. Wow, this turned out long.
Cauliflower Revisited
Movie opens on a child on a bus staring over a seat. His mother pulls him down and tells him to stop staring. He sits back as the camera pans over the seat and past a cauliflower eared man. The woman apologizes for her son and says, “Wait aren’t you William? Tom and Cindy’s kid? I was real sorry to hear.” William simply nods and turns toward the window.
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I’m going to be honest here, I can’t exactly remember the name of the fake movie title I received as a suggestion at the show last night. I think this is it, but I’m not totally sure. I’m pretty sure Kentucky was in the title. And Wedding. Thanks to improv troupe Florence for the suggestion and sorry that I got drunk and forgot it. This a 52nd consecutive FMF for both Pete and myself… 1 year strong … Congrats Pete. Here’s to 52 weeks of terrible ideas, worse movies, great titles and no proof reading!
Kentucky Time Wedding
1980’s. Jacob owns a watch shop in Horse Cave, Kentucky. It’s been in his family for generations, owned by his father before him, his fathers father before that and his fathers fathers father before that. Kentucky Time is the name of the shop. Jacob had to take over working at the shop after his father passed and supports his mother. He spends almost all of his time at the shop and hasn’t had a girlfriend in years, since his fiance, Emily, died in a horrible auto accident that also took his fathers life.
I totally forgot to write one earlier today. I had no luck coming up with a title on my own so I asked Lisa who might have been drinking at the time and gave me:
Empty Glasses
Ben and Eric are two hot shot brokers who have lasted through the bubble bursting by rejecting everyone else, living for themselves and leaving behind a trail of bodies… figuratively speaking. They both drive expensive cars and are out all night partying still, somehow, and making it into work closing deals and what not. There are scenes of them out late all night always with different women, at clubs, bars, shindigs, parties with lots of celebrities at them, yachts, etc.
So I was challenged to do this. I don’t back down. So here it is, my unofficially sequel to ‘The Indian in the Cupboard.’ Mike Stevens, I hope you are happy.
The Negro in the Cupboard
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Ah, a nice, tall glass of Fake Movie Friday to end the week the right way. We’ve all been waiting for this day, gleefully and patiently as we ought to. There’s no need to rush things, we’ll be here for a while. This weeks title, another one of Colm gems, is more or less going to be Wedding Crashers. Except I don’t remember most of that movie. Rachel McAdams, right? Did anything else happen? Didn’t think so. Anyway, without further Apu:
Overstayers
Ken, a thirty something, has been spending some time with his relatives in the East Hampton’s. He’s seen playing with the kids, swimming in their big pool, going to beaches, ordering stuff all on their tab. It’s been a crazy reunion weekend from a cousin that the family didn’t even know they had.
There is a big farewell, the family is very sad to see Ken go, but he has to as he has to get back to work in LA where he works on movies. The kids are all crying asking him to stay but Ken says he’ll come back and see them soon. Ken leaves and goes to the train, when he gets to the train he throws out the identification that labels him as Ken, because his name is actually Jim. He gets back to a small studio apartment in Brooklyn with nothing on the walls. Jim is most obviously a con artist. He heads back out into the world with a new fake ID that says his name is Ryan and looks for his next mark, which he finds in a man named Mark who is out looking for a gift for his girlfriend.
Jim goes and starts up a conversation with him, and starts to put together his backstory which fits very closely with Mark’s. Mark doesn’t seem to think anything is crazy so eventually Jim, as Ryan, convinces Mark that he is his cousin from his mothers side. Mark is elated and asks Ryan to help him out in picking out a gift. They go all over the place, stop for lunch, which Mark picks up, and finally get to a very nice jewelry store where Mark no longer has any cash for the gift, so Jim/Ryan picks it up for him. Mark is eternally grateful and they head out and go back to Mark’s apartment.
His apartment is enormous and Jim can hardly believe it, he feels like he just hit the jackpot. There are expensive paintings and scolptures all over the place, as well as old sports memoribelia. Mark notices Jim checking out everything and says that if he’d rather take his pick of anything he wants. So he does and is happy with the rare autographed Babe Ruth baseball, worth way more.
Anyway, Mark goes out to his dinner while Jim stays at his apt. Turns out it wasn’t Marks apt a t all, Mark was a con man and Jim goes to jail. Yeah. I’m tired. No crazy twist this week. And typing this out on my phone really sucks.
The end
Yet another night in which I’m in bed trying to get to sleep early and almost jump up to a start that I forgot it was Fake Movie Friday. Here comes number 49.
Breakdown
Movie starts with a montage playing with the opening credits. We see a woman talking to the camera breaking up with an unseen person, boss firing them, doctor telling them that they have cancer, insurance guy saying that his policy wouldn’t cover treatment, and a mail man saying he ran over his dog. We hear him scream as the title shows.
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I got home at 5 today. It is a glorious day. I haven’t really had a chance to enjoy the weather. Thus I’m on the couch with pajama pants on writing this piece of trash. Ok, 2+ hours later and I’m finally writing this after starting the intro.
His Secrets
Movie starts off with two women having brunch (peter movie plot twist!). Our main character, Eve, talks with her friends about her relationship problems. Sue, her friend, laughs off Eve’s self-deprecating jokes. Sue tells her to keep her chin up because her luck will soon change.
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Don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… This is going to be very short, because if I think too much or take too long, it will become Bioshock: Infinite. Colm’s title suggestion this week:
Philip Gets Better
Philip has been in a mental institution for a long time. He’s been claiming aliens have been contacting him , they can read his thoughts and know exactly what he’s doing. He also claims that he can hear what they’re doing as well and has been trying to warn everyone about an invasion.
We show scenes of Philip before being in an institution and he would be standing on the street with signs of warning letting everyone know what’s being shared with him. No one believes him obviously and soon he resorts to vandalism and even more serious crimes like arson to try and get everyone’s attention. This is what ultimately puts him in the institution. He claims to know the date, which is supposed to happen during the trial, but nothing happens on that day. He says the aliens know he told and are planning a later date now.
Even in the institution he is still holding fast to his beliefs, and even while heavily medicated he is still spouting the same stuff. He’s even warning about a new date, a date which this time the aliens actually arrive on and wage a war.
Philip is let out and asked to help with the war. He is brought up to speed on the worlds plan. Of course the aliens can hear and see all of this and everything is thwarted. Humanity falls, most are taken as prisoner, and only a few survive in bunkers and this new alien race takes over.
Philip has been captured by the aliens and is brought to the ruler. He asks why he was brought there and the ruler says something like “you don’t remember?” The ruler rips off Philips skin and reveals him to be a alien as well, some high ranking general. He is horrified and the ruler says something like, “we left you here too long brother, you are beginning to act and GASP think like them.” Philip says “maybe I have” and proceeds to punch through the head of the ruler, steals his side arm and primary weapon and takes down all of the forces around him. He lets the captive humans out that are there and then they all take up arms and start the war to take back earth… I guess.
The end?
Phew, it was only a little bioshocky. It originally was far closer
I got home a few hours ago and said “Oh I should write my Fake Movie Friday.” 3 hours later I’m starting it. Idiot… Also this movie is bad. I’m off my game.
Shovel
Quick cuts as a group of bikers tears into town. They smash into a bank and rob it. They do it violently, shooting a guard. They mean business and are not to be fucked with. Tear right out of town.
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