Movie Movie Podcast

Two Fake Movie Fridays in a row, I haven’t done this in a while… I’m guessing people won’t be posting theirs until much later because I think everyone but me saw The Hobbit at midnight. But I’m not jealous… no not at all… But whatever, check out my fake movie for this week. This would be an animated children’s movie that really should be stop motion, but would end up being CG and probably released by Dreamworks. This one was pretty fun to write, give it a read:

Paranormal Paralegal

We open in a courtroom. A vampire is on the stand. The prosecutor is asking the vampire what he was doing on the night of the 21st. The vampire says he was at home. The prosecutor drags in a TV and plays security footage from that night. We see a figure that resembles the vampire on a screen. the figure throws a brick through a window and then walks into the building. The prosecutor fast forwards the tape and we see the figure emerge from the building with a big bag. “Then how do you explain this footage” the prosecutor asks. The vampire is at a loss for words. “The building you stole from was a medical clinic, and along with some medical equipment, bags of blood were found missing!” There is a gasp from the jurors. “Your witness”.

The defence attorney is a big bro looking dude named Ed voiced by Channing Tatum and next to him sits a small funny looking guy named Neal voiced by Steve Buscemi. The defence attorney starts to ask the vampire questions but he clearly doesn’t care about this at all and isn’t doing a good job. After a sad attempt at a defense, the attorney sits down. The judge asks if that is all, and the attorney is about to say yes when Neal whispers in his ear. The attorney looks annoyed but Neal convinces him to give him a shot. The attorney says that his paralegal has a few questions.

Everyone stares at Neal as he approaches the witness stand. He is dwarfed by everything in the room. He asks if the vampire can explain how he was on the security footage, the vampire can’t but says it wasn’t him and he wishes he could prove it. Neal says that he can, and he plugs a crappy video camera into the TV. He turns the TV toward the jury, and then pans the camera across the room, finally ends pointing toward the vampire. There is a gasp. Neal simply says “a vampire’s image can’t be recorded on video. You were framed” and walks off.

Title card and opening credits. The title sequence consists of random scenes of a city, but there is always a monster somewhere in the frame. In this universe monsters are kinda like mutants in the Marvel universe-there aren’t that many and they are feared and misunderstood.

We cut to a law firm where Ed is talking to a bunch of lawyer bros. He is talking about the case we just saw and how he was so brilliant he got the guy off. But then he says how he doesn’t like monsters at all but this pro bono work will help him become partner. Then he starts telling off color monster jokes. Neal walks silently by them. He walks to his tiny office and gets back to work.

Neal has become something of a celebrity in the monster community. If anyone has legal troubles they will go to him first. He has become an expert in monster lore. We see him defending a Frankenstein’s monster named Frank. Frank was pulled over and harassed by cops, got arrested and had his fingerprints taken. When the prints were run they matched prints from a crime scene years earlier. Neal is able to prove that Frank hadn’t been created at the time of crime, and that Frank’s hand had belonged to a criminal who was the one who had committed the crime.

Monsters start asking for advice for their general problems. An invisible woman’s invisible husband had disappeared for example. Neal starts to see that a lot of these monster’s problems are related. He begins to think that something sinister is messing with the monster community.

Neil gets a lead and goes to investigate. In a suspenseful scene we see Neal investigating but there is a shadowy figure stalking him. The figure suddenly pounces and knocks him out.

Neil wakes up and his is in a cage. He looks around at what looks like a mad scientists lab. There is a medical equipment that was stolen from the first scene as well as various monsters in cages. It is clear that someone has been doing experiments on them. There is a big golem in the center of the room. It looks as though someone had been using a jackhammer to try to open it up. A figure approaches Neal’s cage, and then walks into the light. The figure says “Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Abraham Van Helsing”.

Van Helsing, voiced by John Malkovich, begins to monologue. He talks about who these monsters aren’t human and they are taking jobs and resources away from real human beings. They are an abomination and he will wipe them all out with Neal’s help. He says that he has been doing experiments to find each monster’s weaknesses with only modest success. But Neal clearly had learned a lot about them with all the time he had spent helping them. Van Helsing wants to know if Neal will help him do God’s work. Neal refuses and Van Helsing leaves in a huff.

Neal desperately tries to escape his cage, but can’t. He finally has an idea. He takes out a piece of paper and manages to scratch “help me escape” on it. He folds it into a paper airplane and aims it at the golem. He throws it and it just barely makes it into the golems mouth. The golem begins to shake, then it walks over to Neal and breaks open his cage. he then punches through the side of the building and Neal runs out. Looking back he sees that he was in a gothic castle.

We cut back to the law firm and Neal bursts through the doors looking disheveled. He goes to Ed and tells him what happens and asks for help. Ed laughs and says that Van Helsing guy seems to have some good ideas. If he needs a lawyer, he should call him.

Neal goes to his office dejected. He has an idea and gives Frank a call. Frank says that of course he would help him, and that they should meet the next night to figure out how they can free the monsters Van Helsing is holding captive. Word starts to spread around that monster community that Neal needs help.

The next day Neal goes to meet Frank, but instead finds a whole mob of monsters. They decide to free the captives by force if necessary and the monsters march towards the castle, torches and pitchforks in hand.

The mob break down the doors of the castle and free the prisoners. They search for Van Helsing. Neal is the one who finds him hiding in a secret compartment. Van Helsing says how Neal has betrayed the human race by fraternizing with the subhumans. He suddenly throws down a smoke bomb taking Neal completely by surprise and runs for the door. It is like he ran into a brick wall as Frank is standing in the doorway. Monsters crowd around his knocked out body. Neal says “This man has hurt us all greatly. I think we can all agree what needs to be done.”

Van Helsing comes to and he finds he is tied to a chair. His vision is blurry and he can’t make out what is happening. Neal walks up to him as his vision clears. “We all knew it had to end like this didn’t we.” Van Helsing looks around him and starts to mutter “no no no no” under his breath as he begins to figure out his situation. It is a quickly thrown together courtroom, Ed is sitting at a makeshift desk and it is clear he is the defense attorney. He looks over to the jury to see 12 monsters and screams “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

The End