Movie Movie Podcast

I brought up the fact a while ago that there hasn’t really been any R rated monster movie franchises recently.  Hollywood is fine with making Alien, Predator, and to a lesser extent Terminator movies instead of innovating and creating something new.  Inspired by Predator, The Expendables and Left 4 Dead here is my attempt to create a monster movie franchise:

The Law of the Jungle

A bunch scientists (they are wearing white lab coats so you know what they are) are doing science in a cobbled together lab.  There is a hush as a door flies open and the villain of the movie walks in followed by his security squad.  The villain in a confident voice says “It’s time, do it”.  After a beat, a terrified scientist offers “Morally none of us can do this…”  Without giving it a thought, the villain pulls out a gun and shoots him in the face.  “Does anyone here have a different moral compass?”  A scientist says “On it sir”, and he presses a button.  We see a young man tied to a table behind glass.  A hypodermic needle filled with a green liquid attached to a robotic arm jams into his arm, the man screams as the liquid is pumped into him.  The camera cuts to a view behind the villain’s head where we can’t quite make out what is happening behind the glass, but there are strange shadows and noises.  The camera swings around to a close up of the villains face who smile.  Title Card.

Cut to a military base.  Our rag tag crew of marines consist of the following:

TNT – Explosives expert
Max – Heavy Weapons
Pretty Boy – Stealth
Tank – Hand to hand
Alvy Ray- Tech

This is a WWE production so all the main characters are played by huge wrestlers (Russ feel free to cast this in the comments!).  The crew are sitting in a meeting room having character building conversations with each other (Pretty Boy talks about his girl back home, Tank makes an obscene comment about Pretty Boy’s girlfriend and mother, Alvy Ray talks about the benefits of Linux, Max shows off his biceps, and TNT just wants to watch the world burn).

It is exposition time when Charlie Sheen walks in followed by a woman (Zoe Saldana).  Charlie Sheen begins his presentation by showing photos of the villain on a 3D holographic display (hey movie makers, you guys know this doesn’t exist right?).  Turns out the villain is a Kony type figure named Otti who has been kidnapping different types of scientists.  The scientists include biologists, geneticists, physicians, and botanists who were kidnapped for reasons unknown.  Sheen then gives the floor to the woman.

Tank makes a extremely sexist comment to to the woman who laughs it off and then makes a joke about him doing so much steroids that he has tiny balls (See if she had just called him on his bullshit she would just be a bitch or a feminist, in a movie putting up with sexism makes a woman strong).  Pretty Boy asks what her name is and she tells them all to call her “sir”.  Which means we should add to our crew

Sir – has boobs

Sir explains that her entire family was killed by Otti and she wants revenge.  She knows the area and knows people around where Otti is believed to be staying.  She will be their guide.  Charlie Sheen says that this is Black Ops, totally off the books, so he feels free to tell them all to just kill the fucker.

Cut to our crew on a helicopter flying into Otti territory.  It is dense jungle and of course Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyres is playing on the soundtrack (it’s like deep man).  Sir waxes poetically about how the jungle is beautiful from the air but that it hides the rot and death under the canopy.  Pretty Boy tries to say something hopeful to her, but Tank calls him gay.  Alvy Ray wonders what Otti could be doing with the scientists, Max says he doesn’t care as long as Mavis gets some action, Mavis is of course his minigun.  TNT is silent and just looks fucking crazy.

They set down and Sir guides them to a nearby village.  She speaks in a different language to some of the villagers who seem upset.  Alvy Ray asks what’s wrong and Sir says that there has been activity to the North, but they aren’t making sense, they keep saying there are monsters there.  Tank looks scared for a moment but says something racist to look tough.

After hiking through the jungle for a while they finally find Otti’s hideout.  Pretty Boy uses his stealth skills to investigate.  He comes back and with information about how many guards he say etc.  They make a plan about how to get into the play (of course the audience doesn’t get to hear what that plan exactly is).

They execute their plan which consists of diversions and a bunch of shit that doesn’t really matter (Alvy Ray deactivates the defenses, TNT blows up a wall, Tank punches dudes in the face, Max uses the shit out of Mavis etc).  Otti escapes as the action starts and shows his brutality by sending many of his men to die needlessly.  Otti tells the men that now was the time to try out their new weapon.

The crew find the scientists but just as they begin to gather them stuff goes crazy.  Monsters bust through the walls and start grabbing and killing scientists.  This part is shot with crazy shaky cam so it is hard to make out what the monsters actually look like.  They escape and TNT throws his grenade belt back into the lab, they all dive towards the camera as the lab explodes in slow motion behind them.

Exposition scene of the scientist explaining what Otti had them create.  Otti wanted unstoppable warriors that didn’t need any supplies.  To that end, he combined human and plant DNA so the resulting creates would use photosynthesis for energy and wouldn’t need to eat food to survive.  Otti planned to drop his army into enemy villages and let them do as much damage as they could.  The scientist expresses regret and begins to cry, but Tank slaps him in the face.

They try to escape but they keep running into the monsters.  This is an attempt to start a movie monster franchise so it’s time to break down the monsters.  Basically they look like a cross between Swamp Thing and the Flood from Halo.  There are a few different types and their action figure names:

ClapTrap – Has a venus fly trap head and stomach
Vinea – Has a bunch of vines as arms which it uses to grab and throw their enemies
Bomber – Has big mushroom looking growths that explode and release spores when shot
Thigmo – Is covered with brightly colored tentacles like the Cape Sundew plant

They run into a Vinea which does some damage but Max is able to shoot it up with his minigun.  A ClapTrap grabs Sir and is about to eat her head with its venus fly trap looking head, but at the last second, she shoves a grenade in it.  Her hand gets ripped up as she kicks herself away from it, and the ClapTrap explodes in a bad CG explosion.  TNT is too close a Bomber when it is shot and gets spores all over himself.  Tank punches a Thigmo in the face.  The scientist is eaten by a ClapTrap but is able to tell the crew about a secret weapons cache that Otti has that they may be able to use.

They make a run toward the weapons cache and a whole load of monsters rush after them.  Alvy Ray is grabbed and thrown into a tree by a Vinea and they aren’t able to go back for him.  They get to the weapons cache which is in a buncher just in time.  They slam the door on a Thigmo tentacle and just barely get the door closed.

The bunker is filled with weapons and explosives.  Max finds a bigger gun, TNT grabs a bunch of pipe bombs (but he seems to be acting a little strange…), Pretty Boy helps Sir wrap up her damaged hand, and Tank punched a Soda machine and gets a free soda.

A voice comes on over the intercom, it is Otti.  He says that he is also in the bunker with them but they brought so many of the monsters there that it is impossible for any of them to leave.  He calls for a truce, but Sir tells him to go fuck himself and shoots the speaker.

Sir tells a touching story about how her parents were brutally executed by Otti when they were working at a hospital and trying to save the lives of his enemies.  Tank rolls a single tear.  TNT starts to cough violently and we see that his eyes have turned green and he is covered in a moss like substance.  The spores turn you into a plant zombie and TNT punches Max and lights all his pipe bombs.  Pretty Boy, in a moment of pure heroism tackles TNT against a wall and tells everyone to run.  Max, Sir, and Tank get clear as a huge explosion makes a hole in the wall and immediately the monsters swarm in.

They all run to the roof of the bunker and slam the door behind them.  We can see that the bunker is totally surrounded by monsters and more monsters are slamming themselves against the roof’s door from inside.  Things don’t seem like they can get any worse  when Max is shot through the shoulder.  A dramatic camera reveals Otti as the shooter.

Otti begins to monologue about his plans and how they messed everything up for him.  Sir distracts him by doing another monologue about the innocent people he has killed giving Tank the time to sneak up behind him and punch him in the face.  He pushes Otti over the side of the bunker.  Otti is able to grab hold of the edge and starts screaming about how he is going to kill them all and eat their hearts.  Sir steps on his hands and yells that she is a vegetarian (it makes no sense but seems badass at the time).  Otti falls into the horde of monsters and is devoured.

The monsters are close to breaking through the doors to the roof and the survivors make peace with the fact that they are going to die when they hear the sounds of the helicopter.  It is Alvy Ray/Deus Ex Machina!  Max tells them he can’t make it but he has explosives and will take out as many as he can when the time comes.  Tank, Sir and Alvy Ray fly off into the sunset as a nu metal song starts up on the soundtrack.