Holy crap this looks good. Good enough to get me to break my streak of nothing but Fake Movie Friday posts. Too bad the trailer has premiered as the same day as Hangover 3, which we will not be sharing on this site.
I want to see this so badly. It looks fantastic. I can’t wait. I watch this trailer and can’t help but think about how bad ‘The Great Gatsby’ looks compared to this film made in black and white by Joss Whedon. He shot it at his own home with a bunch of his friends.
There have been a lot of snarky posts at movie new sites about Clerks 3, and no one has really gotten the story completely right. I should preface this post by saying that I’ve been a huge Kevin Smith fan for years and I listen to far to many of his podcasts. I will say that I get the Kevin Smith hate to some degree. He does have some gross personality flaws and has severe technical filmmaking limitations. In terms of his personality flaws, they are nowhere near as troubling and off-putting as those of his podcasting contemporaries (Adam Carolla, Marc Maron, and Joe Rogan come to mind). In terms of his filmmaking, it sort of feels like going to see your friend’s band–maybe they aren’t the best band ever, but of course I’m going to go support them and enjoy the music.
Which brings us to Clerks 3.
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It seems like since you can’t turn on the TV without seeing a preview for ‘21 & Over.’ It was the same thing last year with ‘Project X.’ Companies keep shitting out these teen party movies and advertising them to death. They cost little and make it all back getting 16 year olds excited. I’m going to try one. Title based on a line from the Workaholics ep I am watching.
Aloha to the Luau
Our main character Jay wakes up to a big breakfast made for him by his mother and father (CLASSIC PETE OPENING!). Next to his plate is a letter from Harvard. His mom already opened it. He got in and his parents are elated. He seems to not care that much and faking his smile. His parents say they can’t wait to tell everyone at the big block luau that night.
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I’m already sorry about this one. This is a really awful idea and I can’t shake it, so i’m just going to write it away.
Dead Baby Jokes
We open on a cop running into a circus. He’s obviously in a rush, but when he gets backstage of the circus he’s too late. He sees a dead baby dressed up like a clown. He was too late to save the baby and the serial killer got away. At this point the title card plays.
We cut to 5 years later
Detective Hanson, the cop from earlier, has retired. After chasing Baby Jokes all over Seattle for a summer, he’s seen enough of the horror, the mayhem, the dead babies. He decides to become a private security consultant instead. It’s easier hours and less stress. One day while on the job he gets a call from his old captain, telling him that Baby Jokes has struck again, and this time he asked from Hanson directly. Hanson refuses, says he’s out of that life, but the captain asks him how many babies can he leave on his conscience? 5, 10, 50? At this point there is a really tasteless flashback of other dead babies and Hanson decides to come back to the force. Only this time he wants a partner. The captain pairs Hanson up with Aaron McCordy, a younger, but seasoned detective. McCordy looks up to Hanson as somewhat of a criminal profiling genius, so they get along well. When they get to kennel, they see a dead baby. It was obviously the joke “How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? the dog plays with it more”
Both Hanson and McCordy figure that one out really fast, but while on the scene, Baby Jokes leaves another half joke in one of the cages. It reads “What do you call a dead baby with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?” After giving it some thought they realize the answer is art. In some Fincher style quick editing, we see Hanson and McCordy on the phone telling the station to get them a list of every gallery and museum in Seattle. They get the list and gamble on what location to go to and because it’s a movie they get there just in time to see someone running away from the Seattle Museum of Art. McCordy chases after him and Hanson frantically searches the museum to find a hopefully living baby. He doesn’t the baby is dead and McCordy comes back having not been able to catch the potential killer. Hanson takes out his flask and starts drinking again. This is what made him unravel so many years ago. As usual there is another clue from Baby Jokes. This time he says it’s his last clue. Hanson says it’s just like last time. He does a few regular baby killings before a grand spectacle final killing. The joke reads “what’s worse than a dead baby in a trashcan?” Right here Hanson realizes Baby Jokes is going to stage a mass execution. He just doesn’t know where he’ll get all the babies from. McCordy suggests an orphanage or hospital, so they split up and go to both. At the Orphanage, Hanson sees the staff very despondent. They tell that all the babies have been kidnapped. Hanson says he’s going to save them, he just needs to realize what will be the “trashcan.” Here we realize the answer is multipart. 100 dead babies is the answer, but what’s worse than that is that the one at the bottom is alive, and he has to eat his way to the top (metaphorically). Hanson calls McCordy, but he doesn’t answer, he leaves a message saying that he thinks Baby Jokes is going to strike at the Seattle landfill. And drives there really fast.
When he gets there, he sees McCordy is already there. He asks how he got there so soon? He says he had the same hunch. Anyway they go to this giant pit of babies, none of which have been killed yet. There is a giant demolition ball hanging above the baby pit. Hanson says that have to move the ball and save the kids, they are ahead of Baby Jokes this time. Only McCordy shoots Hanson right in the leg and says they aren’t. Now it becomes clear that McCordy was baby jokes all along (theres flashbacks that help it make more sense). McCordy goes into a long story about how he was given up for adoption, and had a tough life etc etc. When he was a teen and old enough to meet his parents, they had a young baby at the time. He confronted them and they said they were too young to make a mistake. A MISTAKE! He apparently thought this was a good enough reason to kill babies all the time. Hanson calls him sick and twisted and McCordy agrees, but now with Hanson out of the way, he can kill all the babies. Hanson despite being shot in the leg gets up and charges at McCordy. They both fall and ground scuffle. McCordy beats him up pretty bad and says he wants to keep him alive to witness his greatest failure. He gets into the demolition ball cockpit thing and begins lowering to ball slowly. The babies are crying like they know they’re gonna die but at the last minute Hanson tackles McCordy and the entire demo ball machine topples over. Hanson starts gun butting McCordy until there isn’t even a head left to gun but. He kills McCordy and calls the entire police force to get the babies out of the pit. The captain comes to the scene and asks what happened. Hanson just says, “I quit.” It rains.
Movie Over.
I’m so sorry everyone.
Colm gave me the title and helped out with the ideas, though I forgot most everything we talked about specifically and was too lazy to check out our Gchat conversation. I do love this title:
Hard Reboot
The year is 2245 and the world is united. We no longer rely on oil, coal, gas or other forms of current unclean energy and instead are using the perpetual rotation of the Earth to generate unlimited energy with a device we call The Core, which sits below the Earths surface. Automatons and humans live together in harmony, the robots are responsible for much of the manual labor. Without warning a giant ship appears over the earth and begins to drain the energy from The Core and have taken control of it. The robots stop working, factories are ground to a halt, most electronics no longer work (but there are still some battery-powered things), and the world is in a panic.
I was talking to Russ about this yesterday, and we both loved this trailer. The first movie was great, and this definitely doesn’t look like just a retread. The puns killed me.
Hey friends. Work->dinner->Scatterbomb (a good one!)-> Fake Movie Friday. It’s one of those sad indie ensemble pieces with little closure. Title courtesy of a member of Glitterface that performed at Pig Pile last night.
Cobweb Blvd
Jimmy steps off the bus and throws his bag over his shoulder. He sighs and looks around to find his father behind the wheel honking to get his attention. The two talk in the car about Jimmy’s life in the city and how his new job is going. He is thankful that Jimmy could come home for his mother’s birthday. Jimmy says no problem because a lot of other people are actually back in town, that they will be hanging out on Cob Blvd like old times. “Stacey will be around too” says his dad. Jimmy just shakes off the comment.
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Looks like I’m working late on a Friday night, so I might as well use a bit of this time to write my FMF. I’m thinking this is like Cabin in the Woods meets The Apparition meets Resident Evil Extinction. I asked for a suggestion at last nights Pig Pile (were you there? You should have been) and the title I got was:
Tramp Stamp Collector
We open on the bloodshot eye-ball of a victim, Lindsay. She appears to have just woken up and starts to look around. She is beaten, bloodied and wearing a bikini. The room she is in has a very cold, steal feel about it, similar to something you would find in the Saw series. Just to drive that point home, as we pull out from Lindsay’s frame we see the bodies of multiple girls, all of similar ages, laying dead on the floor. Some decapitated bodies, etc, smash cut to the title screen. Continue reading
I kinda love this picture of the Mandarin. There was some controversy over the casting of Ben Kingsley as the Mandarin because of racial issues, which is understandable. It is worth pointing out that the Mandarin character itself is pretty racist. Regardless, it looks like they are trying to build a unique character. A commenter named Nicholas Slayton at Slashfilm had this to say:
“They said the Mandarin basically collects warrior symbols from different cultures and re appropriates them in a twisted way. US army camo pants and boots. Chinese robes. A samurai topknot. Captain American-type helmet. OBL-style beard. Tony’s (or maybe Killian’s?) glasses. Very twisted idea that kind of works.”
I think he is mostly right on and points out a lot of details that I had missed, though it is more likely that the helmet is a UN helmet, not a Captain American-type helmet.
Via SlahFilm
People love stories of white people becoming members of native societies (Avatar, Dances with Wolves, Ferngully etc) and learning some valuable lessons, this fake movie is pretty much that, with an added twist taken from a certain disappointing recent animated movie. Enjoy:
The White Wolf
We open with some establishing shots of a Jungle. We cut to a bumbling character. He is wearing a pith helmet and looking very out of place. He is scared and is making way too much noise. In what is supposed to be a tension filled scene, we see a panther slowly stalk the character. The panther lunges at him and we hear a gunshot go off. Emerging from the wilderness dramatically is a hunter. The camera cuts to the dead panther, then cuts to the opening credits.
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