Category Archives: Fake Movie Friday

Fake Movie Friday: His Secrets

I got home at 5 today. It is a glorious day. I haven’t really had a chance to enjoy the weather. Thus I’m on the couch with pajama pants on writing this piece of trash. Ok, 2+ hours later and I’m finally writing this after starting the intro.

His Secrets

Movie starts off with two women having brunch (peter movie plot twist!). Our main character, Eve, talks with her friends about her relationship problems. Sue, her friend, laughs off Eve’s self-deprecating jokes. Sue tells her to keep her chin up because her luck will soon change.
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Fake Movie Friday: Philip Gets Better

Don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… don’t turn this into Bioshock: Infinite… This is going to be very short, because if I think too much or take too long, it will become Bioshock: Infinite. Colm’s title suggestion this week:

Philip Gets Better

 

Philip has been in a mental institution for a long time. He’s been claiming aliens have been contacting him , they can read his thoughts and know exactly what he’s doing. He also claims that he can hear what they’re doing as well and has been trying to warn everyone about an invasion.

We show scenes of Philip before being in an institution and he would be standing on the street with signs of warning letting everyone know what’s being shared with him. No one believes him obviously and soon he resorts to vandalism and even more serious crimes like arson to try and get everyone’s attention. This is what ultimately puts him in the institution. He claims to know the date, which is supposed to happen during the trial, but nothing happens on that day. He says the aliens know he told and are planning a later date now.

Even in the institution he is still holding fast to his beliefs, and even while heavily medicated he is still spouting the same stuff. He’s even warning about a new date, a date which this time the aliens actually arrive on and wage a war.

Philip is let out and asked to help with the war. He is brought up to speed on the worlds plan. Of course the aliens can hear and see all of this and everything is thwarted. Humanity falls, most are taken as prisoner, and only a few survive in bunkers and this new alien race takes over.

Philip has been captured by the aliens and is brought to the ruler. He asks why he was brought there and the ruler says something like “you don’t remember?” The ruler rips off Philips skin and reveals him to be a alien as well, some high ranking general. He is horrified and the ruler says something like, “we left you here too long brother, you are beginning to act and GASP think like them.” Philip says “maybe I have” and proceeds to punch through the head of the ruler, steals his side arm and primary weapon and takes down all of the forces around him. He lets the captive humans out that are there and then they all take up arms and start the war to take back earth… I guess.

The end?

Phew, it was only a little bioshocky. It originally was far closer

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Fake Movie Friday: Shovel

I got home a few hours ago and said “Oh I should write my Fake Movie Friday.” 3 hours later I’m starting it. Idiot… Also this movie is bad. I’m off my game.

Shovel

Quick cuts as a group of bikers tears into town. They smash into a bank and rob it. They do it violently, shooting a guard. They mean business and are not to be fucked with. Tear right out of town.
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Fake Movie Friday: HackBus: Air Force One 2

Alright, Alex and I are currently on the bus to Boston for PAX East. While waiting in line for the ride this morning we started stumbled upon an idea for a movie that we decided had to be written. With that, I give you:

HackBus: Air Force One 2

The movie opens with the end of Air Force One. We see Harrison Ford, as president James Marshall, kicking Gary Oldman out of the plane. The public loved James and wants him to be president forever, but he decided to step down after his first term and not run again. There are news programs and papers that are shown in vignettes that tell the history of the world since then. Much of Eastern Europe has formed under the monicker of nUSSR, the US’s economy keeps getting worse, pollution has gotten so bad that air travel is no longer available and Smart Busses have taken over as a clean and fuel efficient way to travel, and people are once again calling for James Marshall to take up a non-consecutive second term in office. They say he’s the only one who can bring the economy back and the nUSSR wants to sign a peace treaty but not with the current president. James runs and wins by a landslide.

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Fake Movie Friday: Fighting Midnight

How did I forget it was Fake Movie Friday? 40-something Fridays in a row (yes and one Saturday) I have written one, and this week I just totally forget? So I have 13 minutes to write this. Let’s do it.

Fighting Midnight
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Fake Movie Friday: Post It

Some dude said I looked like Lena Dunham last night. I thought that was kind of weird, yet apropos after looking in a mirror. You know what else is sure to be weird? My Fake Movie Friday! Colm comes through again with yet another banger title:

Post It

Frank is a professional gossip blogger. He has built his life on muck raking from some of hollywoods finest, but has never had his own big story break before. Most of the time he is just piggy backing off of other, more well known and renowned gossip sites and publications.

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Fake Movie Friday: …And Everything Nice

Lets get this thing done! Another work and straight to Scatterbomb night and I am beat. Today’s title is courtesy of something they had written on the white board behind them.

…And Everything Nice

Foggy night, drunk guy and girl walk down the street. They kiss and he is trying for more but she pushes him off. He complains and she runs off behind an old abandon house. They find a swing set and she jumps on. He trips on his way to her and lays on the ground as she laughs at him. He realizes he can no longer hear her and starts to get up. She is gone and he hears the sounds of a little girl laughing. He turns and there is a girl in front of him. He asks her if she’s ok. She charges at him.
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Fake Movie Friday: KGBee: The Sting Operation

Colm comes through again with what I think is his best title yet. It got pretty punny in our gchat conversation today and with that I bring you:

KGBees: The Sting Operation

The Hive, KGBee headquarters, 0600 hours. Queen Bee, known as Q, has called in her best agent, John Carpenter, to take on what could be the most deadly case of his career. With information from the CIAnts about a new plot to take over the world by the Termiban, who has been working with rogue anti-nationalists M.A.N.T.I.S (The Malevolent, Anarchistic, Nihilistic Truants of Insect Society), led by Maximilien Robeespierre, to infiltrate the Republic of Insectica and bring it to it’s knees with biological weaponry; germ warfare.

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Fake Movie Friday – Holy Water

This film will be some actor’s directorial debut and it will be controversial, but more than that, it wont be good.  It will be about the church.

Holy Water.

We open on a man and woman having graphic sex in a confessional booth. You already know the type of movie you are for.  Father Leary is new to the priesthood, but hasn’t taken his vows seriously.  He’s a hotshot young priest in 1970’s boston.  He’s a die-hard Celtics/Sox/Bruins fan and smokes cigarettes regularly.  A monologue of Father Leary giving an impassioned sermon begins as scenes begin to unfold showing Leary gambling, fornicating with women in teh confessional booth, and taking money from the collection.  We see he takes the collection money and buys himself a pack of cigarettes.  As he leaves, he sees a homeless person and tosses him $10 bucks, saying keep the change.

The next scene is Leary at home with his family.  He comes from a family of criminals and deviants, and he’s considered the one who got out.  All of his brothers are scumbags, and his father is in jail.  His mother is tough (think Melissa Leo in The Fighter).  His mother asks him when is he gonna quit with the priesthood and give her a grandchild.  All the other kids will be lucky to find a woman much-less have a child with one.  He says his life belongs to th lord.  You can tell she sees right through what he’s saying.

The Cardinal of Boston comes to Leary’s church one day right after Leary finishes having sex with some sad housewife.  Imagine he’s played by Brendan Gleeson.  He tells Leary that the other priest think he’s a joke, and if he doesn’t get himself together he’s going to be excommunicated. Leary tells him to go fuck himself.  That he’s been working in the highest crime district in the nation.  That trying to save these souls is pointless.  That what the church claims to defend is pointless.  He’s got an early oscarbait moment where he tells the Cardinal he knows about what happened to those boys last summer.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.  If he loses his priesthood, he’ll blow the whole situation out of the water.  The Cardinal tells him to be careful about his threats.  Leary tells the Cardinal the same and he leaves.

Later that evening after some more carousing, he goes to buy a pack of smokes and sees that same homeless person from a day ago.  He notices the person looks familar and realizes its one of the same kids that was molested a year back.  He tells the kid, named Charlie, he’s not like the other priests who gang-molested him.  He’s into women.  Leary brings Charlie back to his home.  Here Charlie tells him that after it happened, no one would believe him and his extremely devout parents kicked him out on the street.  He’s been there ever since.  All he ever wanted to do was be a good altar boy, and he was, until it all went bad.  Leary tells him he can stay until he gets himself together.  Charlie asks Leary to help tell his story.  Leary tells him he can’t, he’ll lose everything if he does (somehow). Charlie accepts this momentarily.

As the movie continues we see that Charlie’s influence around Leary starts to turn him into a better person.  He begins only having sex with one  woman and he realizes he might love her.  During a sermon one day he says he loves someone above all else, and right as the congregation says “Jesus” he says “Mary” and he says she’s made him a better person, Charlie’s made him a better person, and sure God has helped too, but what he’s learned is that sometimes god doesn’t answer prayers.  He goes into explaining how Charlie was molested and how the church did nothing.  How they failed him.  How he failed him.  Of course the Cardinal was at this service and begins casting Leary out as a heretic, but he says it’s all true, and that’s why he’s stepping down.

The next scene we see Charlie and Leary have pooled their resources and opened a home for boys and Leary is no longer a priest, but married to Mary.   Charlie asks Leary one night, if he regrets what he did (a flashback of all the sex and weird stuff Leary used to do quickly comes across the screen) and Leary, a bit older now says, “Do I regret it?”

End.

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Fake Movie Friday: Aloha to the Luau

It seems like since you can’t turn on the TV without seeing a preview for ‘21 & Over.’ It was the same thing last year with ‘Project X.’ Companies keep shitting out these teen party movies and advertising them to death. They cost little and make it all back getting 16 year olds excited. I’m going to try one. Title based on a line from the Workaholics ep I am watching.

Aloha to the Luau

Our main character Jay wakes up to a big breakfast made for him by his mother and father (CLASSIC PETE OPENING!). Next to his plate is a letter from Harvard. His mom already opened it. He got in and his parents are elated. He seems to not care that much and faking his smile. His parents say they can’t wait to tell everyone at the big block luau that night.
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