Author Archives: russ

Fake Movie Friday – Bride-along

Bride-along

I just realized I haven’t made a real lapse of logic shitsandwich in a few weeks, so here is my attempt at eye-rolls.

Bride-along stars Sandra Bullock in a role curiously similar to that of her character in Miss Congeniality.  She’s a no nonsense detective named Grace  who is engaged to be married to her longtime sweetheart, Ben played by Owen Wilson.  Grace is a total alpha woman and super tough, while Ben is a really laid back, “Californian” elementary schoolteacher.  They are pretty much opposites, but they make it work.  The opening credits of the film show the formative years of their relationship and all of the comic instances where Grace is super tough and Ben is a complete laid back, but also pussy about stuff.  As the montage scenes play on and Grace is a detective, it’s easy to notice that Ben wants commitment from her, and one day she eventually asks him to marry her.

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Early Spring Oscarbait: 42 Trailer

I can’t believe a Jackie Robinson movie hasn’t been made yet.  I feel like I’ve seen this film already, but it still looks good.  Smart move opening it right before baseball season, and getting a top draw (formerly) actor like Harrison Ford to co-star in it next to a relative unknown.  This movie should do very well and cost not a whole lot.

Only issue I have with the trailer is that ever prevailing idea of having modern music in old timey films.  I hate it.

But the movie looks legit:

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RebootoTron sets it’s sights on Manimal

Remember that shitty show from the 80’s Manimal? No? Well it was a show, ergo it can now be adapted and rebooted into a movie.

Fuck this.

Manimal was an early 80’s tv show about a Dr. who could turn into animals and used that power to help the police solve crimes.  Seriously.  That is not a fake movie friday.  That was a real thing.  Because it was a TV show tho, he really only ever turned into a Hawk or a Panther.  If he turned into another animal, they just didn’t show the transformation onscreen, since the only morphing sequences were Hawk and Panther.

DUUUUUUUUUUMB!

The 80’s had some really bad ideas (Small Wonder, “Very Special Episodes about Pedophilia’, etc.), but Manimal might be the worst one.  It was so bad that it was canceled after 3 months.  8 episodes in total exist, so this is what Sony decides needs to be adapted.  Are we this creatively bankrupt that we have to start taking the worst ideas from 30 years ago?

C’mon…

There is no way this wont get turned into a Happy Madison comedy for Rob Schneider (though he technically already made that movie), or Nick Swardson, or hell, Andy Samberg.

It’s going to suck and I’m not going to see it.

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Fake Movie Friday – No Chance In Hell!

I’m writing this in a starbucks while I have a free 30 mins between visits, so I apologize if it’s dumb as shit:

No Chance In Hell

No Chance In Hell is a teen comedy with a dash of fantasy added in.  It’s primarily for teenagers to see on a date.  It’s toothless and lame.

Michael Angarano stars as Kevin Lewis, your typical 00’s nerd, meaning he’s not a nerd, just not popular.  Megan Fox stars as Kendra Hamilton, the super popular bitchy girl who way back when was friends with Kevin.  They kissed Freshman year and shortly after that she started dating a complete prick Senior named Austin Rogers, captain of the Lacrosse team at McKinley Regional HS.  He is played by Tyler Hoechlin.

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Fake Movie Friday – Time: The Albert Washington Story

I got nothing this week, so I figure I might as well tell the true story of how a black man in old timey Chicago created the first ever clock.

This film is directed byLee Daniels and it is super inspiring.  (for this movie to work, you just have to be ok with ZERO timepieces existing before the 1920’s, so get onboard)

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Jim Carrey for Kick-Ass 2: Confirmed

Kick-Ass was one of the most surprising comic-book adaptations of recent years.  I expected very little, but got a violent, funny, action packed origin story in a way that is not annoying.  The film also highlighted Chloe Grace Moretz as a total badass and future babe ( I SAID FUTURE! ), so when they announced the sequel has been greenlit, despite my trepidation with the actual plot, I think it can be cool.  It’s already got a lot going for it in light of bringing all the original cast back, but the signings of resident Black-movie boyfriend Morris Chestnutt, John Leguizamo, and Donald Faison have added credence to my thinking it’s going to be good.

Additionally, in what could be super awesome, or super terrible, Jim Carrey has signed on to play a hero Colonel Stars.  I feel like Jim Carreys best days are behind him, but maybe this could be a reminder of what an awesomely fun guy he used to be before he got all old and weird.

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Seems Like A Fake Movie Friday, But It’s Not

I just watched the trailer for the newest Liam Hemsworth romantic drama, and everything about this screams, b.s., but it’s a legitimately real movie.  This seems like someone read a Nicholas Sparks book and thought they could do better.

It might be the worst movie of the year.

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Fake Movie Friday – Nightlight

This weeks FMF is my attempt at one of those Creepy Kid Scary Movies that comes out in late August/early September.  It will be the directorial debut of some Spanish or French filmmaker, and it will be long and boring, and if you feel like it’s every creepy kid movie rolled into one, that’s cause it is.

Here goes!

Kodi Smit-McPhee stars as a lonely orphan boy named Toby.  He lives in an orphanage run by Janet Prickle, played by Kyra Sedgwick.  She is your run of the mill really mean house marm.  Whenever one of the boys in the orphanage acts up or does something she doesn’t like, they stuck in The Black Box.  It’s a really small room about 5 by 5 that has no windows so it’s pitch black.  Typically when a boy enters the box, they are stuck in there for an hour.  Prickle thinks the boys fear the lack of space and scream because they are afraid of the dark, but little does she know that there are dark spirits that feed on the dark and the fear.

All of the boys at the orphanage pick on Toby because he is generally quiet and easily frightened.  They play tricks on him and stuff and never get caught.  Toby often draws really cool but dark pictures of him fighting back against the bullies.  One of the biggest tricks they often pull on him is stealing his nightlight.  He’s 10 years old and still needs a nightlight so they rip on him for that.  In a later scene we see the boys steal his nightlight and then pick a fight with him. He is too afraid to hit them back, and knowing this, one of the boys hits the other one, and blames it on Toby.  Prickle comes and sees the boy lying of the floor and begins to chastise Toby.  She tells him he’s going to spend the day in the Black Box because fighting isn’t allowed.  Toby is normally ok with this, but when he reaches into his backpack he sees his nightlight is gone and this sends him into a panic.  He pleads not to get sent to the Box but Prickle ignores his cries and send him back in locking the door.  This time, the camera follows Toby in and then we see a creature come out of the shadows and it roars directly into Toby’s face, he screams and passes out.  The next day he has a white patch of hair on the side of his head and the kids make fun of him for that.  One of the bullies who isn’t as bad, tosses the nightlight back on to Toby’s bed and he’s clutches it tightly.

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Michael Shannon is The Iceman

This is Michael Shannon’s penance.  After being in that awful turd Premium Rush, he’s back to remind us that he’s a legitimately great actor.  In The Iceman, Michael Shannon plays a contract killer with a code.  This feels like a role he was born to play.  Even more awesome, is that the cast (Winona Ryder, Chris Evans, Ray Liotta, James Franco) looks like it’s having fun.  Anyway it’s based on a true story and looks awesome.

Check it:

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Robocop just put itself back on my radar kinda

Just a few days ago Peter wrote about how Hugh Laurie dropped out as the villain in the Robocop reboot and how the foreign director Jose Padhila is having an awful time working within the studio system.  Well I’m sure this movie is going to be a trainwreck, but it’s going to be a trainwreck with Michael Keaton.   Michael Keaton is replacing Hugh Laurie in the soon-to-be-filmed Robocop film.

I like that.  Haven’t seen him as a villain since Extreme Measures, so theres 15 year olds who have no idea he can do bad just as well as he can be awesome and good.

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