I didn’t know what to write, so I asked resident artist Colm “www.colmics.com” Ryan for a suggestion. He eventually gave me this title. This is easily my worst yet, because I lost all will to write it about 1 paragraph in. There was going to be a whole subplot about an evil scientist trying to merge the cartoon world and real world, then I realized I did the whole cartoon/real world thing two weeks ago. Oh well, enjoy:
Total Fluff
I just watched the trailer for the newest Liam Hemsworth romantic drama, and everything about this screams, b.s., but it’s a legitimately real movie. This seems like someone read a Nicholas Sparks book and thought they could do better.
It might be the worst movie of the year.
ASHLEY is back to remind you how crazy and weird her movie are. In case you forgot.
Hey guys! Sorry it’s so short and that this is the first one in a month and a half. I think from now on when I write fake movies, they are going to rhyme. Hope that’s okay!
Fred
Here’s a tale from New York
that starred an adorable dork
who is now so dismally dead.
He lived alone with his cat
in a small downtown flat.
His name was poor, pitiful Fred.
Sit back and I’ll tell you
about this poor fellow,
and his beastly beaus three.
He slit his own throat
in a rusty old boat
in the bay, down by the sea.
Now let’s rewind a few months
and consider the cunts
that lead poor Fred astray.
Each supplied a knife,
and a world full of strife.
that drove poor Fred to the bay.
There was Darla, of course,
who looked like a horse!
But we can’t really blame her for that.
She wooed him, and screwed him,
and downright abused him.
Then the bitch ran away with his cat.
We can’t forget Carry,
who was just a bit scary,
and incredibly, enormously fat.
Turns out her desires
were more to start fires,
particularly in his quaint little flat.
And finally Christine,
the beauty queen,
who came into his life with a strut.
Her face was sweeter than honey,
when she ran off with his money,
the gold digging, two-timing slut.
Our hero, bereft,
was sadly left,
feeling very small.
He walked onto the dock
and heard the gulls squawk.
And there he ended it all.
Hey friends! I haven’t written a romantic comedy in a while and those are the most fun to write. Well I guess this is more romantic than comedy, because frankly I am trying to make you cry.
Memories of Tomorrow
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This weeks FMF is my attempt at one of those Creepy Kid Scary Movies that comes out in late August/early September. It will be the directorial debut of some Spanish or French filmmaker, and it will be long and boring, and if you feel like it’s every creepy kid movie rolled into one, that’s cause it is.
Here goes!
Kodi Smit-McPhee stars as a lonely orphan boy named Toby. He lives in an orphanage run by Janet Prickle, played by Kyra Sedgwick. She is your run of the mill really mean house marm. Whenever one of the boys in the orphanage acts up or does something she doesn’t like, they stuck in The Black Box. It’s a really small room about 5 by 5 that has no windows so it’s pitch black. Typically when a boy enters the box, they are stuck in there for an hour. Prickle thinks the boys fear the lack of space and scream because they are afraid of the dark, but little does she know that there are dark spirits that feed on the dark and the fear.
All of the boys at the orphanage pick on Toby because he is generally quiet and easily frightened. They play tricks on him and stuff and never get caught. Toby often draws really cool but dark pictures of him fighting back against the bullies. One of the biggest tricks they often pull on him is stealing his nightlight. He’s 10 years old and still needs a nightlight so they rip on him for that. In a later scene we see the boys steal his nightlight and then pick a fight with him. He is too afraid to hit them back, and knowing this, one of the boys hits the other one, and blames it on Toby. Prickle comes and sees the boy lying of the floor and begins to chastise Toby. She tells him he’s going to spend the day in the Black Box because fighting isn’t allowed. Toby is normally ok with this, but when he reaches into his backpack he sees his nightlight is gone and this sends him into a panic. He pleads not to get sent to the Box but Prickle ignores his cries and send him back in locking the door. This time, the camera follows Toby in and then we see a creature come out of the shadows and it roars directly into Toby’s face, he screams and passes out. The next day he has a white patch of hair on the side of his head and the kids make fun of him for that. One of the bullies who isn’t as bad, tosses the nightlight back on to Toby’s bed and he’s clutches it tightly.
I brought up the fact a while ago that there hasn’t really been any R rated monster movie franchises recently. Hollywood is fine with making Alien, Predator, and to a lesser extent Terminator movies instead of innovating and creating something new. Inspired by Predator, The Expendables and Left 4 Dead here is my attempt to create a monster movie franchise:
The Law of the Jungle
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This is Michael Shannon’s penance. After being in that awful turd Premium Rush, he’s back to remind us that he’s a legitimately great actor. In The Iceman, Michael Shannon plays a contract killer with a code. This feels like a role he was born to play. Even more awesome, is that the cast (Winona Ryder, Chris Evans, Ray Liotta, James Franco) looks like it’s having fun. Anyway it’s based on a true story and looks awesome.
Check it:
Just a few days ago Peter wrote about how Hugh Laurie dropped out as the villain in the Robocop reboot and how the foreign director Jose Padhila is having an awful time working within the studio system. Well I’m sure this movie is going to be a trainwreck, but it’s going to be a trainwreck with Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton is replacing Hugh Laurie in the soon-to-be-filmed Robocop film.
I like that. Haven’t seen him as a villain since Extreme Measures, so theres 15 year olds who have no idea he can do bad just as well as he can be awesome and good.
The NFL has recently begun the initial phases of producing a fully licensed football film entitled Week 14. The basis of the film up to this point is that it is supposed to be a Crash-like film by which it covers the world of football through the lenses of players, their families and coaches. It will be fictional players obviously. It was written by Ron Shelton, which as of now is the best thing it has going for it. He wrote Bull Durham, White Men Can’t Jump, and Tin Cup, so if it’s one thing he knows how to pull off it’s sports films.
My only reservation up to this point is how ballsy will the NFL let this film be. Many years ago ESPN aired a show called Playmakers that was supposed to basically use an NFL-like league to tell stories of the underside of professional sports. They didn’t use real characters or teams, and the NFL still pushed ESPN to cancel it, and they eventually did. It was a great show tho. The NFL, unlike the WWE only wants to be seen in nothing but a positive light, so I am doubtful that this film will show any seedy underbelly. So making it like Crash or Babel, may not work if the story isn’t compelling. It will most likely be more like a Miracle-type of sports film and less of an Any Given Sunday type. Mind you AGS is a stupid movie, but I respect what it was trying to do.
I’m cautiously optimistic either way because I love football and any excuse to see it on the big screen, I’m into.
I have wanted to write about TV at about 1031 different times this year so far. With Breaking Bad being as good as it’s been, I need a place to write about that, but I dont. This is the MOVIE MOVIE podcast. Not Tv Tv. Anyway, the powers that be at ABC have greenlit a pilot based on S.H.I.E.L.D.
This is the right way to go. Because they are a giant,shadowy organization, the stories can happen all over the place and they can have other smaller characters from the Marvel U make appearances. The best news about all of this is that Joss Whedon will be writing the show, along with his brother Jed and possibly directing the pilot. Because we’ve already seen his vision of SHIELD in Avengers, it already feels like this project is closer to Buffy/Angel, than it is to Dollhouse. My only question is what do they do with Nick Fury and Maria Hill? Sam Jackson is too big for tv, Cobie Smulders is still finding out about how he met his mother, and Phil Coulson is dead.
I’m curious, but totally faithful.